I need to stop reading anything online. I should just throw this computer out the window. Here I was, thinking that my life hung on the results of the CAT scan and blood work. Now I know the truth: this only means I don’t have signs of stage IV colon cancer. That’s it. That is all that waiting and wondering and stress meant. I won’t know if there is cancer in my lymph nodes until after my surgery, and if there is, I’m at stage III or higher. Stage III is not good. Stage II and below, I will probably be fine, but I am well aware of the fact that I am not at stage I. Stage I is a “smaller tumor,” and my tumor is anything but small. Hell, it is requiring emergency (or urgent, at the least) surgery to have it removed before it blocks off my entire colon. So, as it turns out, I’m not nearly as out of the weeds as I thought I was. Still good news, of course, to know I have no visible tumors in my liver, lungs, heart, etc. but much less comforting knowing that I have much more testing, worrying, wondering, before I can even begin to think of myself as “safe.” I have had surgery, and I have been in car accidents. I have had my own brushes with the thought of death, but nothing is like this. I know it is there, inside of me, but I don’t know when it got there, how it got, there, and if there is more elsewhere. It is like death itself is simply waiting inside of me, ready to snatch me. Now, my entire life is in the hands of other people, which is unsettling. I’ve always trusted myself much more than other people. But I will try.
Weight: 119.5, Mood: Disturbed